A girl's mind....

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Saturday, September 28, 2002

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Thursday, September 26, 2002

I looked forward to the lecture this morning but I'm dreading tomorrow's lecture. I'm a goner. I couldn't understand what the lecturer was mumbling about this morning. He gave out some notes and told us to read it for tomorrow. I did, I read it 3 times over and over again. I could understand half of it but the other half seems so blurry to me.I don't know if everyone is facing the same problem with me because I hope they are. I don't want to be the only one who is blur about contracts. All I know is a contract is a promise between two or more clearly defined people and it must be voluntary. And also a contract comes in a form of an agreement which must have an offer and an acceptance. That is all I know about contracts. Enough about it. My understanding law lecturer is this man in his late 30's with long hair. He didn't preach much about the subject today but I can see that his ideas about law are very radical. I like leftist thinking rather than rightist...it makes the class more interesting. Sigh...I hope tomorrow afternoon when I go for my classes I'll be ok.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Really excited that lectures are starting tomorrow although I'm a bit apprehensive about my own ability to absorb whatever the lecturer wants to speak on contract tomorrow morning. Hopefully I have a good time taking in all his facts and hopefully he is a nice lecturer who is slow and steady when he speaks. I did some reading online just now about contracts...I know I sound a bit kiasu but I don't want to go into the lecture without the faintest idea about contracts.
I called Ying last night and just now because her phone payment is the 'pay as you go' kind so she doesn't have free minutes like I do. I really miss her so much and she said she misses me too. I feel it for her actually. She's all alone with hardly any Malaysians. She says that there is this Korean guy who sticks with her all the time and thats about all the friends that she has in the uni unlike me. I have so many ex KTJ people with me and also some friends from HK, China and Malaysia. All of them attending the same lectures as me. I hope Ying gets use to the environment in London soon. Hope to visit her during christmas as well :P
The white people here are really very inconsiderate. They come back to the block late at night or rather very early in the morning all drunk and bring their boyfriends back as well. Our floor is supposed to be an all girls one but it doesn't make much of a difference at night anymore since all these white girls bring their guy friends back to stay or just to make extra noise. I really want to lodge a complaint but I'm pretty sure that the warden will say "oh...just bear with it for a while longer. It's freshers week. Let them have their share of fun. " Ya, their share of fun and my share of lost sleep. They seem to be partying all the time and not thinking of studies at all although lectures only commence tomorrow for everyone but still....

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous....

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I'm in UK now !! Just got my internet connection in my room. It's so super fast unlike back home. Anyway, I had my first formal dinner this evening but it wasn't very interesting. I made some use of the etiquette talk we had back in KTJ but the weirdest thing is the white people didn't do what Tunku Dara told us to do. I always thought that formal dinners were supposed to be quiet and everyone eating in a prim and proper manner but I guess I'm quite wrong here in the Hall. Anyway, I wrote a few blogs while waiting for my internet connection so I'm going to publish it today. I met this guy from the same hall during the meet and greet session. He is from Malaysia and studying electrical and electronic engineering. He's in his third year now. His name is Tiong Seng, not really sure how to spell it though but he's really a nice guy. Been going for meals with him and got to know him better after I called him last night just for fun and out of sheer boredom. My lectures officially start this thursday and the first lecture is on contract. I do hope I enjoy law.

14/9/2002
10:35pm London time

Its been 3 days since I arrived in London. Staying with Pa¡¦s old friend, Uncle Vincent in a town call Croydon. He somehow reminds me of Cheng Wan. Always so serious but when the moon turns blue on certain days, he is the sweetest guy. Talking about CW, I emailed him before I left Malaysia to let him know that I have written a blog which contains a lot of stories of him. I don¡¦t know whether he went to my site to read it and I don¡¦t want to put too much hope in it either. I just thought that maybe he would want to know how much he means to me and to my life. There were times when he brought loads of sunshine and there were also times when he brought thunder storms. Our relationship was just like a roller coaster. He should be in London now because he left Malaysia a day after me. I went to Oxford Street for shopping and I actually was hoping to see him there. But of course I didn¡¦t¡KI doubt he¡¦ll want to go shopping since he never liked it before. I don¡¦t think there is anything left of him that I want to remember because I want to start life all over again. I really want to forget all the sad and bad things that had happened in my previous chapter of my book of life. I¡¦ll be leaving London for Nottingham on Monday and I¡¦m really looking forward to it. The thought of making new friends and adjusting all over again makes me kind of sick but its really part and parcel of life. I just have to accept it. I know that I¡¦ll make loads of new friends but I¡¦m just worried¡KI¡¦m always worried for nothing. Mr Suresh always says that of me. He says that the more I worry about something, it turns out alright. I hope he is right then¡Kbecause I really want things to work out for me in Nottingham, be it studies , friends or my love life.

Its Tuesday in Nottingham. Pa and Ma have left me all alone here. From today onwards I¡¦ll be on my own¡Klike it or not, its just going to be this way. Of course I did cry when they left. At first I thought that I can be brave enough and make it feel like another coming back from exeat weekend but obviously I couldn¡¦t. I won¡¦t be seeing them for the next 9 months. I guess its going to be quite hard to adapt life without them again but I know that I¡¦ll be able to because when I was left all alone in KTJ 2 years ago, I thought that I¡¦ll never adapt but I did anyway.
I haven¡¦t met any new friends yet, well maybe just the girl from Hong Kong who lives in the room next door. I thought of looking for my KTJ mates but then again maybe they haven¡¦t arrived yet since they only left this morning Malaysian time.
Thank God I have my laptop with me here so I can listen to my music and write whatever that crosses my mind.
It felt like only yesterday I left KTJ and I actually thought my extended term break will never end so soon. I miss my friends so much¡KI miss those days when we used to sit in each others rooms and do nothing but talk and gossip about other people. It¡¦s a pretty bad habit though but it was one of the moments that I¡¦ll always treasure.

Thursday in Nottingham, my 3rd day as a university student. On Tuesday night I met Jillian and Eileen in the Cripps dining hall. It was really coincidental and God must have been really on my side that night. I thought that I¡¦ll never find them until term officially starts next week. Eileen and I went to the city with her brother Phillip and his girl friend Sissy. Nottingham city isn¡¦t all a bad place. Its got all the shops that London has and maybe even more. I wanted to get my mobile line yesterday but I needed some time to consider which phone and contract that I need. Phillip and Sissy cooked dinner for me and Eileen at their rented place about 5 minutes walk away from the university. I felt quite bad having lunch and dinner with them but then again, I didn¡¦t have a choice, I didn¡¦t want to eat all alone in this alien place. They were nice people, very accommodating and willing to show me places and stuff. There was a Barn Dance last night in the university¡¦s Portland building. It was sort of an English dance, hoping and skipping with partners in groups. It was quite fun except that after 3 dances, I was dead tired and dizzy after skipping around in circles. I met quite a number of Malaysians there. Some of them are doing law as well. They look like nice people but it is of course yet to be seen. Today, I went to open another bank account in NatWest bank just for the fun of it since I don¡¦t have to pay anything to get a debit card and etc. It is a savings account so maybe when I feel like saving some money, I¡¦ll put it inside and earn some interest on it. No idea what is for dinner tonight. I think Eileen is having an afternoon nap so I don¡¦t want to disturb her just yet. The heater in our rooms or rather the whole block isn¡¦t working so its freaking cold in here and my fingers are freezing!! I wonder how Ying and the rest of my friends all over the UK are. I really want to call her but I can¡¦t get any internet access at the moment until next week so I don¡¦t have her phone number yet. Actually I can¡¦t wait till classes start because I¡¦m getting kind of bored here doing nothing except staring at 4 walls that are surrounding my room. At lest with classes and assignments, I would be very occupied and I won¡¦t think of home so much. Ok, I¡¦m going to take a bath now and get ready to go out of campus to look for some food for dinner tonight. Maybe Eileen and I will walk to Beeston or maybe we¡¦ll just end up eating something on campus if we can find any. Till then¡K

We went to Beeston last night to get some groceries with Phillip and Sissy. After that we brought back kebab for dinner. It tasted really good, well, at least better than the food in the hall. However, the food tonight in the hall was pretty good I must say. It was salmon, my favourite kind of fish. There is a Salsa night tonight in the Portland building but Eileen and I decided not to go for it because it¡¦ll be really noisy and moreover we don¡¦t know how to dance the cha-cha and all the other Latin moves. The heater in the room is still not working and I¡¦m still very cold. I¡¦ll just have to bear with it for a couple more days. I did my laundry today, first time using coins to access a washing machine and a dryer. I had to wait in the laundry room for a long time before they were all done just in case someone pops in and takes my clothing away. I managed to go online just now in the economics department. I haven¡¦t checked my email for a week and I had 156 unread mails, half of them were from the KTJ alumni. They were mostly gossips about Mr. Grimshaw and Ms Jess. I can¡¦t believe these people, they have left school 10 years ago but they are still interested in Mr. G¡¦s stories. There were some enquiries about Mr. Suresh as well, about his health and his latest happenings. When Eileen and I read those gossips about Mr. G¡¦s love life, we couldn¡¦t help but giggle away. It¡¦s really funny because those people, people that I don¡¦t know said that he is a scumbag and filthy piece of shit. Isn¡¦t it funny? I wonder what will happen if this gets to his attention. I received emails from my friends, Sim Yin, Hilda and Daren. All asked me how I¡¦m doing in the UK. I guess I¡¦m alright. Still coping fine but could be better though with the internet and a mobile phone line. I was looking at the prom photos I brought all the way from Malaysia. It reminded me again of Cheng Wan. I wonder how he is doing in London or Bristol or wherever he is. I just hope that he is doing fine and happy with the environment he is in. I also hope that he still remembers me as a friend and someone that he can always count on when he needs a listening ear.

Hey it¡¦s Saturday! How time flies! Pa and Ma are going back to Malaysia tonight. I just called them to say goodbye and to tell them about my life here in Nottingham. I¡¦m quite annoyed with the bank here, they refuse to give me a statement with my address on it. I really don¡¦t understand why they can¡¦t do that. Is it so difficult to print my address on a bank statement?? If Malaysia can do it, why can¡¦t UK? Breakfast was OK today, not the greatest and the worst either. It was just toast and cereals. Something that I would never eat when I¡¦m back home. I miss Malaysia¡¦s nasi lemak with a lot of sambal and ikan bilis. And I miss roti canai with curry and also the laksa at Kolam Air. Sigh¡Kit¡¦ll be another 9 months before I get to eat all these Malaysian favourites. Actually I¡¦m quite alright with western food but too much of it makes me sick especially those food with cream sauce and thick portions of meat. I know I should be eating a lot to ward off the cold but I just can¡¦t stomach such big portions. I¡¦ll be going to the city again with Eileen today. Hopefully today I can get my mobile phone. We have decided to save on our lunch by sharing a dish between the both of us and bringing with us a bottle of water so we don¡¦t have to buy a drink. I¡¦ve never scrimped and saved before in my life, this is the first time. I bought a mug for 69p and I¡¦m really proud of it. I now look for the cheapest things with uncompromising quality. Hehe¡Knot bad at all huh? I also got myself a bar of dark chocolate, not some famous brand but its from Sainsbury¡¦s, a national hypermarket. It tastes just as good as other brands. So why pay more when you can get it for less? ƒº One thing I find weird here is supermarkets don¡¦t sell much sanitary pads. Instead they sell tampons and I don¡¦t know how to use them or rather I don¡¦t want to risk using them just in case I hurt some delicate part. I had to settle with once again Sainsbury¡¦s own brand of pads call Liberty. I hope it doesn¡¦t leak¡Khehe ƒº I¡¦m currently listening to the Chinese CD that I burnt back home. It reminds me of home so much, those times when I just sat in front of the computer doing nothing but stare at the screen and listen to my collection of mp3¡¦s. I also miss teaching. Although the students were all a handful, they progressed really fast in their English. Hopefully I can go back to SIGS to teach again, this time I don¡¦t want form 1 classes, I want to teach a higher level so it¡¦ll be easier for me to communicate with them.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

It was late last night and I couldn't get to sleep. I guess I was thinking hard about too many things. So I decided to sms him for the last time..well at least for the last time that I'll be in Malaysia until 9 months from now. He was out in Bangsar and said he'll call when he gets home. Initially I wanted to just sms him and tell him not to bother calling me cos it was already so late. But I decided not to reply him. I was still wide awake when he called. He was half stoned, had too much to drink while in Bangsar. He played "close to you" by The Carpentars while talking to me. He said when he heard that song being played in the movie "so close", he wanted to cry. I felt like crying as well, its been so long since I heard that song and when I heard it again, those emotions just welled up in me all over again. We talked for almost an hour but I think we kept quiet most of the time. We were entertaining ourselves with silence as usual. He said he treated me better than any other girl he's been with. If this is call "better", I don't want to know what is bad. I guess he couldn't carry on being with me while carrying his guilt towards Herlini. As much as I dislike her, I feel it for her as well. Which girl won't be upset if her prom date leaves her all alone and makes out with another girl at night? 30 mins into our conversation, it was really late and I told him that he should go to sleep and rest. But he wanted to keep me company for a while longer, according to him...for the last time. I understand him well enough not to blame him for what he has done to me. Maybe I'm just too soft hearted, always thinking for others before I think for myself. If one day he decides to email or find a way to contact me, so be it. After last night, I have left the memories of him in the gutters. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I don't want to bring sad visions along with me. But then again, blaming on my nature I'll probably email him at least once in UK.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Had a long chat with Mr Suresh last night. We talked about everything..about me leaving and also about my pathetic so called 'love life'. His advice was plenty but I will remember and practice them all. I should really stop giving excuses for Cheng Wan and for myself. I should start living my own life, he shouldn't be a shadow anymore. I have tried time and again to patch things up, be friends and help him get out of his messy life but it was all to vain. They say you need two to tango but now I only have one so I guess I can't dance the tango, neither can I dance the waltz. Although very deep inside me, theres this little tiny voice that tells me if I try harder, I'll be able to mend everything between us. But the loud voice triumphs over the soft one...however, I know that this meeky voice will come out once in a while, and I'll be depressed for some time again, not for long though because I'm quite sure I'm strong enough to fight it this time around. The more I keep feeling down , the more I'm sinking in deeper and deeper and I don't want that to happend. I still want to get married and have kids :P

Went for tea with my kindergarten friend and his parents yesterday afternoon. Well, Marcus has certainly changed a lot since I last saw him last year. We used to be really close until primary 4 when we changed mandarin tuition teachers. He comes from a very well to do family and he's one pampered child, reminds me of a prince in a palace actually. Too bad I'm not interested in him.. He's fairer than me and his skin is smoother than mine. But then again, the future is yet to be seen. He's currently studying medicine in London...hehe...have someone else to bunk in with when I'm there :P